A Girl's thoughts
by Shattered Reflections
Summary: Kagome's thoughts on a certain Hanyou while the same goes for Kikyo R&R!
1. my heart my thoughts my soul

AN: hey this is a little thing I decided to type. Then I promise tomorrow I will type some more of Unending Love. Swear it on my grandpa's grave! Well anyway hope you enjoy!  
  
Chapter One A girl's thoughts  
  
I look up in the tree to see him sitting, his sliver blowing so wildly in the wind. He seems so distant so out there never noticing the beauty in life. Inuyasha why plant yourself in sorrow? Don't you see the beauty that surrounds you? How could you not? His golden eyes seem to drift to the sky as they hold emotion so unbearable. Each day we encounter some demon and it's always him who saves me always him who I can depend on.  
Doesn't he get it? Each time I'm around you my heart stops my breathing comes short. You don't realize what you've done to me. Why Inuyasha? Why do you push me way and call me things you don't mean? I know you don't you hate me do you? I see the way he hides himself and puts up a wall to block everyone out; afraid that should he ever give his life to someone they'd only crush it. I see it in his golden orbs the way they hold such emotion, all of which are many.  
I look at him in the eyes to see a pool of sorrow a pool of amber pain. But when someone comes up to you and confides in you I see just a little bit of hope roam in your golden amber eyes. Every move you make I watch and study you from afar, each time you run off and leave I feel my heart break. I feel scared and no longer secure.  
  
Oh gods how many times do I dream of myself in you arms loving me the way you love her. To speak to me so gentle so kindly, but each time you do I feel just maybe you might care for me just a little not a lot. Please don't run from me I need you by my side. I need you because without you I feel incomplete. You hide yourself behind your act don't think I don't see through that. I know there's more to you that somewhere inside of you, you put on that act just to hide from everyone.  
If only your heart were mine I would cherish and love it and kill myself if I ever broke it. In battle you amaze me the way you fight with your soul knowing where to go and where to turn. You say humans are weak and that you'd love to watch them die. If that's so then why do you save such people that you say you hate. You prove to me that you have feelings that you hold emotion.  
  
It breaks my heart to see people call you a monster and a beast, and when I tell you their wrong. You shake your hand and hang in it in shame. And you go on believe ling them. It makes wonder if you would've turned out differently if they had been kind to you and saw what a treasure you are.  
My heart shatters when I see you run to her like a dog following it's old master. Tears roll down my eyes every time you tell her how you feel and you won't push her way like do me. I always hope that somewhere in your heart part of it belongs to me, don't you get it she doesn't love you! She's dead Inuyasha dead you may love her but in return she only tries to take your life. Tell me is that love? I call it murder you have so much to live for, if not for me than look around. People need your help some do run to you in hopes that you will save them.  
You say all you care about is becoming full demon and each time you say that it eats at my heart. Do you really wish to become some killing machine? Please say no for if that's truth than what am I really doing? I'm helping you to become a full demon so you can slaughter all those you saved. I know your mind now wavers on that thought and you no longer wish but keep locked in your mind.  
  
How many times do I wish you could love the way I love you. I would die before I admit it though. I'm afraid of rejection of being heartbroken. Of seeing my entire world crash before my eyes. Of seeing you laugh in my face and tell me what a fool I am. Who could ever love me? I'm just a girl from the modern age with a life that is getting to complex. Inuyasha you say that I should go to Kouga or Hojo but behind that I can't help but see a little bit of hurt and envy.  
But don't you get it I don't want them I want YOU, INUAYSHA the half demon. Inuyasha human and demon. I love you for who you are and I always will. I want you to be happy I want you to smile so I bite my tongue and stop myself from yelling I love you! When you say you've already chose Kikyo I feel my world crash and smash and break into a million shards of pain and sorrow. Yet I still stay with you even though you sometimes break my heart.  
  
Is this love? To find someone and never give up hope of them loving you back? Of staying with them even though it kills you inside and out. To watch them kiss the one they love and yet you know you could never do that to him or her? To feel lost and lonely without them by your side.  
To feel my heart pound when I'm around him and feel nervous yet calm and peaceful. On the nights when your human and you sleep on the ground by the others. I walk silently over to you and fall to my knees quietly. I love it when you face is so calm and peaceful. On those nights I stroke you face and brush your bangs back and caress you cheek to feel you snuggle more into my small hand.  
  
Moments like that I cherish and love and keep in my mind, so young so confused in my mind. What is love? Are you just are crush or are you the real deal. Tell me I really want to know I can't help but feel so calm and so safe when I'm around you. God forbid me to ever lay my lips upon yours' to ever be held in your strong arms so lovingly.  
Days when you are kind to me and show me your true self I feel so happy and so wonderful around you. When I say I want go home you pout and make me giggle inside myself though on the out I put on a angered face and drive you to kiss the ground. But the moment I leap into the enchanted well I feel a string of guilt tug at heart for hurting you so. How do I say what I want to say when there are no words to express it?  
  
The stars shine bright as the moon glows upon you handsome face, the out line so much like a child's and yet the inner so mature so grown up. You look like a perfect dog angel with perfect features that seem to show everything when I'm around you.  
When you look me in they eyes I feel like leaning in so my lips brush the tips of yours. Nights I dream of being held in your embrace of snuggling my face into you warm chest. Or times when I get injured and you carry me on your back I lay my head on your shoulder and pull lips into a grin. I rub my cheek up and down to feel you shiver under my touch.  
Somewhat like when I barley touch the tips of you fingers or when you save me and pick me up while we sore through the air. I hold on tight as I lay in a form of bridal style in your arms. When you release I feel a shiver run down my body where you hands had been. And can't help but want you to feel that same sensation you give me when I'm in your arms. I lay in my sleeping bag as I let the night carry me away and lay my eyes close to dream yet another fantasy of you and me in love.  
  
SO WHAT DID YOU THINK? GOOD BAD PLEASE REVIEW AND I'M GOINGTO UPDATE REALLY SOON! 


	2. unending thoughts of you

AN: Thank you to the people who reviewed my story I really liked too! Okay anyways one of you wasn't sure if I should update! Well I kind of said I would so can't take that back! Anyways enjoy!  
  
Chapter Two A Girl's thoughts  
  
I wake up to you shaking my shoulders so gently I feel as if a angel is waking me up. But then again I call you my angel, I open my eyes to meet with golden amber ones. You seem so tough on the out but your eyes show all of your emotion and feelings you dare not admit. Once you see I'm awake you quickly leave to wake the others, our moment of gazing in each other's eyes ended to soon.  
I get up to meet the blue clouds and inhale the fresh air I don't get when I'm at home. Nor do I get such beauty it makes me wonder why we threw such nature away. Your forest in my time no longer exist what was there has now vanished. Smoke and deadly air fill the once fresh and gorgeous beauty. The clouds float by like my life had done so far. I look to see you leap in the God tree with such grace.  
  
A I feel my eyes sadden and my heart fall as you once again leap in the very tree that your former love pinned you to. Does this tree remind you that much of her, how could you a love a tree to that which kept you prisoner for fifty years? How could you love her when she didn't even trust you?  
She's not even loyal to you and yet you run to her when your heartbreaks and you soul down. How many times do I wish you'd run to me and if you did I would welcome you with open arms. Even if it was about her I'd I listen like a good friend. Yep that's all I am to you a friend. I stood by you when you chose her over me I stood by when you threw me in the well for safety. I went to my lengths to be with you because I love you and my heart will let no other in.  
  
It amazes me how someone so rude so unkind and yet deep within is loving and gentle and warm and such love I don't understand. How could you be made for me you call me all things except my name. You dare not have me as friend? Am I really just a shard detector? Do I have no meaning in your life but that? Have I gained any trust from you. You resist to let someone in but her as if she is the only who cares about you.  
You treat yourself so badly by letting pain and hurt get to you, yet on the out you cover it up with mask on your face and say you don't care what they say. But I see you walk slowly behind the others deep in thought and inside it's tearing you alive isn't it?  
  
You act like you don't care the way you treat people and make them feel. But deep within yourself you don't mean it. We pass trees on this journey I hope never ends because that would mean leaving you. And my heart burns at the very thought, I made a promise to you and I promise to keep it for all time.  
  
Once I heard you ask yourself who could love a filthy hanyo a nobody one who is lower than dirt. My mind raged with thoughts one about all. I LOVE YOU was all I wanted to say to say that you mattered that you weren't a filthy hanyou you the exact opposite your beautiful you're my defender my lover. I'm content to love in silence content to watch you be my friend. Content to love you from afar and in my heart my world revolves around you.  
  
Times when I say I want to go I home I really don't I just want to you to come for me so that I want come by myself and that gives me a little hope that you care. I see the way he walks talks, and acts. I'm selfish I know to want something I can't have to have someone who wouldn't have me back. To have a obsession yet it's desire will never be full filled. Often I think of what will happen once I complete my task of the Shikon No Tama. Will the well seal itself never to let me return to you again, will all be well? Will you give up the idea of becoming a full demon?  
  
Thoughts like that are constantly on my mind and the biggest thought of all will you let me stay by you side when this all over and will you go to hell with Kikyo? Please say not to question and yes to question one. I can't bare the thought having you out of my life it burns my every being my whole can't withstand it.  
I see how you debate on who you love more and it always ends up the same. Kikyo she's number one in your life first thing on you list an I am just second best to you. Never good enough yet good to be around. I always feel like your toying with my heart and giving it little bits of what it wants and then you tear it all back and give it to someone else. You don't seem to see how bad it hurts me.  
  
Many times I wonder what it would be like to be Kikyo to be the one you love so much and are willing to die for. That is my thought would you love me the same. Moments when you look into my eyes I know you see her not I. Inuyasha it breaks my heart to see that you see her that I'm just her reflection just her reincarnation and nothing more. You love her and you could never be mine. My heart aches and longs and yearns for your affection. But I'll never have it.  
Do you keep me alive because of her soul her face her body that are now somewhat mine? She is a woman I'm a child a couple years from now with you look at me with the same love? Will you give up on having her and have me instead. Will you love me for me one day or will I always be her reflection her shadow.  
  
The feeling kills and eats at me bit by bit, knowing that every where I go I now see her face not my own. Tears well up in my eyes though I hold them back and dare not cry. Kikyo never cries she did she never will, it amazes how she pushes down emotion so well and yet she shows kindness to all but you and I. Kikyo was strong you say and I'm weak is your theory, what if I made mine as well. Kikyo had courage I have nothing she beautiful I'm ugly . She masters in archery I master as second best. Will cupid ever shoot an arrow of love towards you so that you may love me instead. I bite my tongue from saying all the things I want said. I swallow my words in my throat but they won't go down. Every time I'm around him my knees buckle my legs try so hard no to give out to his beauty.  
His long silver hair that reminds me of the of silk as it shines though so invisible.  
His golden eyes that seem to remind me of the golden sky in the evening and the honey that you all swirl into one. His complexion that remind me of a perfect looking angel.  
  
His cute doggy ears that make anything but fearful. His strong hands that protect me from danger. Every part of him I love and always will. Even if I finish this alive and I go home and he has Kikyo. The memory of his face will forever burn in my heart, mind, soul, and life for all eternity.  
  
Nights when I'm in the future I expect to wake up and find all of this dream to find that he wasn't real. And the scares me and yet I want to be true. Then I wouldn't have this heart ache I wouldn't have the craving to have him as mine alone. But then I would never see him again and my world would crash. Because deep within me I know he's real I know that I couldn't live without him. Inuyasha please don't leave me. My heart won't take no for answer though my mouth will force words out that say it's okay leave me if you want.  
  
We stop to rest for the night and I feel Shippo's warmth against me as he curls in to my chest. Oh how I wish I could do the same to you Inuyasha to feel you strong arms lock around me to feel my world in perfect harmony to see that everything will be alright. I want to say I love you but the words won't come out. I want to feel your lips on mine but only dreams will allow me this.  
  
To feel your hands on my body not just in protection but in love. To feel you warm chest to snuggle next to your built body. To have you gaze at me lovingly. But again only dreams can bring me this. 


	3. A love that I can't have

AN: I'm in a sad mood so I wrote something sad to portray how I feel. But this is going to the chapter of A Girl's thoughts. So please read and review and do tell me if you like it. Please please no flames. Thanks.  
  
A Girl's thoughts Chapter 3  
  
This world seems so different, like a home I never had. A world where I'm not confined in a house or in town. Where I can walk through a path and totally be alone in peace. That is what I wanted but then I met Inuyasha. And he.... He was my peace and forever will be. I can't describe the way he made my heart feel at one time. At the time when my body was not made of dust but of flesh and bones. A time when SHE didn't exist. I can't really hate her and then I can't like her either. She took what I can't have. Silly isn't a desire I want and would it seem I have him. But I don't.  
They may not see it but I do. The way she smiles at him makes his heart pound and soften. The hatred he once had is slowly vanishing. I would have been the one to do it but betrayal or evil denied it to me. I died loving and loathing him.  
  
I kept denying the fact that he was falling for her, I kept telling myself he loved me and only saw my reflection in her eyes. But then it changed now every time he looks at me. He sees her, her smile her eyes that hold warmth. While mine hold only hatred and sorrow. Every fiber of my being is dying to rid of her. To make her vanish to be gone and never come back. I envy her yes it's true I will not lie to myself, not anymore. He loves her though his mind tells him I'm the one he wants.  
Such pleasure it brings to me when she is near I and him and he is showing all the emotion he wouldn't show her. My body practically laughs joy at the way her child like eyes start to tear. The way her heart no longer wants pain.  
  
It gives me hope that maybe she will let him and I be. But then guilt strikes me and part of my heart tells me to let him go. To let her have him because I'm dead I can't come back. Though I did. Hatred is what fuels my soul to keep living until it is gone I walk the earth a corps that has but part of a small soul.  
All the things I learned she can do just as well. My place is being taken while she is the one taking it. I can not hate Inuyasha but I can hate her. I can hate the fact that she takes all that I had. Her strength grows with each passing day. I fear not the fact she may become stronger than I. That just gives me a challenge. In the end I will fight for Inuyasha I will win him.  
  
Though my heart yearns him I can't understand why. He let me die why should I care? Because I love him I hate him I desire him I want rid myself of him. Emotions I tried so hard to cover them up. And then that mutt no that innocent dog came and easily opened them to the wild.  
How you ask? I do not know, he came and I couldn't help but feel so drawn towards him. Stupid isn't it? But what I hate most of all about HER is that she loves him for who he was. I loved him as well but I was stupid I wanted him to become human so that I could live a normal life with him. But now only shame is brought from that desire. I should have loved him for himself. I should of known. I don't feel the wind blow softly anymore I feel joy then I don't. I feel hatred. That is something I will always feel it's not hard to see. The water becomes ashes in my mouth the sweet smell of spring no longer smells sweet. I'm empty like a hollow tree. I have no meaning. Because that damn jewel was it.  
He was it. I would cry but I have no tears. I would scream and pout and rage but my heart forbids it. I want to die but I can't not with him living not with her taking him from me. No I can't. I watch from a distance and pray he comes to me. When he locks his arms around me the world seems to melt and I feel as if I'm falling in love as if I'm alive again.  
But the moment he lets go the warmth is gone the love is gone. Nothing feels right, he won't say the words I want him to say he won't say those three little words. So I'm left to be alone. I would hurt her but she is what keeps him going. He is what keeps me going. It's like a life chain if she is gone then everything falls apart I suppose. But then I would have him. But then he would only think of her.  
I can't do anything but try to win his heart. After all was it not I that showed him love was it not I that showed him kindness? I That didn't yell at him or try to kill him. Not even when I thought he betrayed me could I kill him. I loved him with all my heart. How could I?  
  
I can't even kill him now I'm so happy that I used my sacred arrow to pin him to that tree. But what I'm not so happy about is the fact that she came and set him free. Why did she have to come? Why has fate decided that I should die alone and unwanted. Not even my sister took my side. She took my reincarnation's. After all the things I had done for her. But I still cannot hater her not my younger sister. No not Kaeda. I love her still.  
Inuyasha come back to me, tell me you love me with all your heart. Leave my reincarnation behind. Please let me hold you let me be the one to heal you broken heart. Let me be the one to show you love. This time I will love you for you I will not care for the jewel. I will love you as you are. I watch you from a tree sitting silently talking with her. Her face happy and vibrant. You sit there you face content.  
  
I scowl at how she looks and then at you the contentment makes my cold heart melt. Those amber eyes are filled with such love compassion and anger. I gave you that anger didn't I? I made you hate love I made you distrust again didn't I? Forgive me I was fool to believe that you my love would actually kill me. I was the cause of her being, she was the effect she. She now heals what I did to you.  
I made the heart I opened close again, and when she came bit by bit she saves you. Oh god how I wish I could be the one saving you from hurt and pain. But no I'm the one who caused it.  
  
I will not let her have you that my love is a promise. She will die and I will be the one you come running to. My love don't forsake me please. I beg you give me one more chance. I may ask this but my emotions don't show it. My face stays plain like a statue. Emotions a waste of time. Yet they are my entire being, I spent life training and working to become a pure woman.  
You saved me for the last the moments I lived. You showed me what life could really be like. You and I had love and that was more than anything I ever had. You were free while I was a prisoner of the jewel. Yet you took the burden with me, you protected me and the jewel. I wasn't alone.  
I died killing you destroying the love I had. Because I thought you betrayed me I thought you killed me. I was wrong I was stupid. I thought it is was you! The pain was so unbearable at the time I couldn't help it. I was angry because the image of your face was what I saw when Naraku slashed me. The words you said your image of what he was saying was what I feared in my mind. Because I believed that maybe you would do that.  
So I believed it. Then the moment I pinned you to that tree I could see your eyes in the most hurtful pain imaginable. It hurt it me worse than my wound on my arm. No it killed me. The way your amber eyes held betrayal and pain and sorrow. I reached out to you but I fell. I died with the image of you face smiling at me.  
  
I could have killed you and together in death we could be. But I didn't because I couldn't. And I still can't. Tell me Inuyasha what does she mean to you? Does she mean everything? Do I still hold you heart or does she now hold half of it. To love or to crush to heal or to break?  
Again Inuyasha I will love you though my hatred remains love is still buried beneath it. Don't forget that. I promise you one day I will be yours' and you will be mine. Until that day I stay hidden meeting you when our paths cross.  
  
OKAY HOW WAS IT? THIS IS FROM KIKYO'S POINT OF VEIW SO PLEASE REVIEW. YES YOU SEE THAT BUTTON ON THE LEFT AND THE WORD GO YES PRESS THAT! THANK YOU! 


	4. Maybe I should leave

AN: Ok I got so many review or sort of for my last kikyo entry so I thought I'd do another one. Okay here it goes, hope you enjoy. REVIEW PLEASE  
  
A Girl's thoughts Chapter 4 maybe I should go  
  
The night seems so uncomfortable without you golden gaze on me anymore. The day no longer holds a future for me. Because it was with you. I must be stupid to think that maybe you would take me back. Maybe I should go and leave without a trace. Would you care? Would come looking for me? And if you found me would you jump with joy? I want you yes that is my desire, but for so long I have watched you grow and blossom into flower I could never make you.  
She heals you I damage you. Every time you hurt her she keeps running back. I won't deny her strength. I won't even deny the fact that I admire her strength just a little. But have no mistaking I don't even consider her a ally. "my love come with me?" I now see how stupid that question sounds. How could I a dead woman brought back ask you to come with me to the depths of hell? When you soul still has things unfinished.  
  
You say you live to avenge me but I don't want revenge. What good will it do? It can't bring me back to life. Full life, the only thing that can is that girl's soul. But you won't let me have it. No you protect her like you did me at one time. I was foolish I was stupid to believe that I could ever bring you down with me. Each day my spell of love wears off and her spell becomes stronger. Pulling you in like I did you. I'm angry at her and myself. I suppose it's the way we both treat you like some prize to be won.  
But then for you I would give love forever. But she is one step ahead she would give love for eternity. I can't win I now know. But can I.... Can I let you go that easily? Can I just set you free? How could I, I couldn't I love you to much I desire you to much. Without you I feel empty.  
  
More empty than my hollow clay body. Am I destined to be alone forever? NO! I won't be I can't be. I couldn't bare the pain again. I love you Inuyasha it's truth. Though it will never leave my lips. Till the same words are spoken from yours.  
Love is a complicated thing and you are in the middle of it. I hate myself for you making you choose. I hate myself for hurting you when you did nothing to deserve it. Yet all this hatred I have for you. Will feed on nothing more than your sorrow.  
  
Forgive me I would rather die again then see you die before me. To see you broken in heart soul and mind. Forgive me for thinking of only myself. Forgive me for putting you in this situation. Maybe I should go what do you think? Maybe if I disappear so will all your pain. Maybe if I'm gone she'll heal you again till you heart is no longer mine.  
No I won't give in that easily. I will not be weak I will be strong. But for how long can I postpone your love for her? How long before I lose you and you are no longer in my grasp? I WILL NOT FALL! DO HEAR ME? I will not lose to some reincarnation not now not ever. There is only one me Inuyasha. She could never make you feel the same way I did. She could never replace me. Though it seems she is. Inuyasha don't forget your promise to me. You said you'd always protect me did you not? If you lie then maybe you are not who I thought you were. I know it seems outrageous to ask you to leave her behind. And make her but a mere memory. But try please? I will not stand for this any longer.  
She is in the way of our love Inuyasha. Can you stand that? Please say no because if you can then maybe you love her. Don't deny you have some feelings towards my copy. Get one thing straight she may look like me she may have all the same features. But she WILL NEVER be ME! Never I tell you. Her eyes can be vibrant but I'll make more vibrant. Her voice can be sweet. But I'll make mine as sweet as an angel's voice. Her arms can wrap around you in comfort but I will do much more than comfort.  
  
She may smile with love and understanding. But no one can understand you more than I. Inuyasha we were like one the first time we met. How could you let her step in the way? How? Anger and resentment course through my body hatred above all. Pain and betrayal are my only emotions to which I can identify.  
Why do you save her? Why do you care? Is she more to you than me? Does she mean everything? GOD INUYASHA I want to hate you but I can't I want to despise you but I can't. I want to kill you but I can't. I thought the love I had for you long vanished but it seems that it remained buried deep down under all the hatred I felt towards you somewhat betrayal.  
  
Do you love her or is she my reflection. Do you see my love burning through her image. Do love her because she has my face and reminds you of me? Do allow her to stay with you because you need someone to feel alone with? Or do you really look at her and see her as her own person? Do you see her as someone who is better or worse than I? My love tell me these things you won't tell me. Say the things you won't say.  
I hate her with all my heart. She may be kind and loving she may have all the things I don't have. But I'll tell one things she can never take from me, you. I will not let her. I will die making you mine. I will die making you hate her for all the things she has done to me.  
  
You can't always protect her I promise you that. My cold grey eyes narrow as I look out into the distance the black sky stretching endlessly. I have feelings emotions yet no heart of my own. I have no plus yet I live. I carry no air in my lungs yet I walk gracefully.  
You ask me how I can despise her. How someone innocent can be hated. Maybe because of what she is doing to you. Maybe because the fact that you are growing stronger with her near. You love her and you can't hide it from me. You may run to me but you heart tells you to turn back and never come to me again. But your mind tells you no to keep going.  
  
What is the point of your love if I cannot have your heart. Your mind does me no good. Only you heart can mean anything to me. Your amber eyes have always bore down into my soul. And even now the still do looking at me intently. The gaze never wavering. I try to stay emotionless but it is hard not to smile at you. Hard not to yell or feel some kind of emotion.  
Don't leave me don't abandon me just yet. I hate the feeling of being alone though I withstand it. I hate not being held in your embrace or feeling you lips on mine. I hate not being the one in control of you heart. Instead she now holds it not only half but most.  
  
I cry out to you save me from the dark. But you obviously do not hear my plea. So I scream again and you come running just like before. It makes me believe that you still care just a little now. The way you eyes drift to mine make my cold body shiver.  
Love me like before have me like before.  
But then again how could you? You still have her in you heart forever don't you. She had make a whole so deep that not even I can fill it up. Only she can. She is what you desire. She is what you want.  
  
I inhale the air as the breeze blows my long black locks of hair behind me. My soul creatures flying around me. Giving me company. I breathe in inhaling the smell of your forest. I see the tree to which I pinned you to. I raise my hand and run my long fingers over the hole made by my arrow. The on that pierced you heart. A pain of guilt rushes over my body. My contentment gone replaced with sadness.  
"Forgive me." The words barley slip out as I step down and head down a dark path. Leading on my only light is the full moon and the stars shining brighter than usual. Will I ever get over you? I doubt it.  
  
Will I ever not love you? Unlikely.  
  
HEY EVEYONE OKAY THIS IS THE UPDATED CHAPTER I HOPE YOU LIKE IT PLEASE REVIEW! 


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